I started starving myself when I thought I would have a better chance at getting a boyfriend. I wanted my 'Prince Charming'. Looking in the mirror every morning, I saw this fat and ugly girl staring back at me. I was working part-time at a hardware store at the time, and I didn't realize how quickly my world could fall apart. I would be able to go 2-3 days at a time without food or water, and still keep up with how highly physical my job was. I weighed easily 160 pounds before I started, and weight loss had begun due to work alone. By the time I quit, I was down at 120 pounds. The longest time I went without food or water, was 4 1/2 days. Only because I realized that if I fell asleep, my hunger pains disappeared. I felt powerful at the start, knowing I could control myself to that extent. I didn't need food, and I could be pretty. Then my critical side came back... and 120 pounds didn't look skinny enough to make me look pretty. Starving came back. Yet, it took longer to lose the weight. The second period of time I starved myself, I was healthy. Starving myself actually did feeling like I was starving. I spent nights crying myself to sleep, worried that I wouldn't ever be 'girlfriend material'. This struggle took up a lot of my time. Worrying about eating, not eating. I lost a lot of my friends over that time, as they gave up on me. Bruises appeared on my body. My back, hips, arms, legs and I wasn't actually doing anything physically harmful. I did find a boyfriend. He hurt me more than I was hurting myself. Upon finding out that I wasn't promiscuous enough for him, and that he was cheating on me, I dumped him. The best thing for my eating problems happened, afterward. I found out one of my better friends had been going through exactly the same thing. Literally, actually.
I attached the video she made to my blog post, I am so proud of my friend. She is recovering still, but she helped me on the road to my own. I started eating more, which wasn't much to start. To this day, I cannot finish an entire 10-piece order of Chicken Nuggets from McDonald's. I think the hardest part of my journey of recovery, was when I told my very best friend about my struggle for beauty. I remember telling her, and her holding me IN her arms as SHE cried. She comforted me, while I caused her pain. I felt like such a selfish bastard for what I did to her. I still do. Between those two girls alone, I fought yet another battle. A battle to save myself, the girl they loved. I decided, that I wasn't important to myself, not if I was hurting that many people. I started out by eating a meal a day. Then two. Now, I'm back at three. Sometimes they are small, some are huge. Sometimes, I'll feel so hungry, that I will eat three meals, and snack in between. Bruises still come and go, still unexplained. My weight has stayed at an almost even 100 pounds. These events occurred over this last summer. I am still recovering, finding that I am still missing my strength. Currently, I cannot lift more than about 30 pounds and hold it for very long. I still am afraid to look in the mirror. So, most of the time, I don't. I avoid things that put me back where I was, hurting not only myself, but others as well.
Girls, being beautiful isn't worth this. Be beautiful by being yourself. Don't do what I did. Love yourself, make others accept that.
~From two girls who found the strength in a time of weakness, to save themselves before it was too late.
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