A Growing Ache

Hey,

So I have been gone for some time…. busy with college, and everything else.  I have also been trying to develop a better me. I started this year on a downhill slope. I was terrible to many people… as I tried to help others through situations that I should have just let be. The people who I hurt through those actions were the ones who mattered most. Finally I hit rock bottom… and I stayed there for a little while. It wasn’t till about late June that I decided to become a better person than the one I’d taken on. In August things finally felt the way they should, better in many senses… I was happier.

I forced myself to look back, and try to figure out how such a slope began. It had caused an onslaught of memories… and not entirely good ones. I thought at one point, maybe I’d just hit a rebellious stage in my life, and that it was just something I’d get through on my own.

It wasn’t until one of my friends got herself a boyfriend, did I realize the actual problem. The look on his face when he saw her, and her reactions to every compliment he gave… I discovered a yearning. I wanted such a relationship. Not necessarily the compliments, but to be able to feel that way towards someone. The more I thought about it, the more I’d realized…it wasn’t a recently developed yearning, but a yearning that had surfaced.

Yeah, I’d created a gorgeous image on the outside. I’d also created a monster on the inside.  I asked myself, was it all really worth it? Was finding someone so important that I needed a fake image to do so? Was he really worth it, if he couldn’t accept the real me- unedited? If he did, was he worth losing everyone else? NO. No one will ever be worth that to me. I will never choose between one person and everyone else. The latter will always win. Too many put so much on the line for me, for me to throw them away for a fake personality.

I lost what made me beautiful on the outside, but I gained a sense of inner peace. I thank God that the monster I’d created has disappeared, and hopefully it shall remain that way as I discover true beauty is not how you are seen by others, but how what others have discovered in you.

So, I guess my message through all of this is, is that I’M BACK. Good luck getting rid of me. :P

Thanks for continuing to read….